its not really a secret but i need to get this off my chest. See this photo? I will give you a second to read it again…… This is how living is done. This is what seperates the successful from the rest. The ability to get up and get on with business of living. I get so mad when i see someone wallowing in anything like sadness or anger. I have figured out why though, I get mad because I am jealous that they get the chance to do that. Never once in my life have I been allowed to stop, to wallow, to be sad, or sick, or angry. I have always been forced to compartmentalize it and keep moving.
Sometimes I post on an app called #lettrs
When I post there, I will post here. Here is one from a while ago.
I am a force of nature. Turbulent and wild.
I am a goddess and at my alter he kneels.
Also Medicine Woman, Shaman or Crone – whatever name you choose. Amazon bloodline I stand tall and strong like the perpetual oak, calloused hands- not afraid of work but thru it all I am weak.
I am addicted….to him.
Physically large and imposing, he drips alpha. His raw scent- intoxicating.
His hands large, his embrace is my sanctuary.
His mind intelligent, conversation never ending.
Painful withdrawals while on my day to day.
Sleep doesn’t happen unless I share his bed.
Drunk on his love
High on his scent
Wow. I can’t even bring myself to finish that sentence. What this means to my life is hard to articulate. It is just a reminder of my own mortality.
One thing that sucks mightily about getting old is that everybody else is getting old too. My parents are gone, most of my family members, it is just me and my chosen family against the world.
Chris Cornell’s voice was the largest piece of the soundtrack that is my life. So many moments of my life are punctuated with his music. Triump, agony, tears, etc. etc. etc….
It will take a while to process this one. All the while, the talent continues to drop like flies.
R.I.P. to the greatest voice of my generation. My your sould finally find peace.
An open letter to my daughter as she turns 21….
Today you turn 21. Holy smokes where did the time go? My sweet Abigail. My first born. Soon to be a mama in yiur own right. Just a quick 6 months away from having your own little girl, your first born.
I know I was not the best mama, I made some bad decisions. I put us in some bad situations, but I did the best I could with the hand dealt to me. Just know that every struggle and every moment of pain has a role to play in your life. As women we become strong in suffering. It strengthens you and matures you in a way nothing else can. You just have to learn when to put it down. The world gets heavy sometimes, and the hardest lesson to learn is when to just take a deep breath breath and let it go….
You have grown into a beautiful, happy, headstrong young woman. I am scared to death watching you function as an adult without me. I will forever have the want to “fix it” for you. I will want to give you advice. I will want to protect you. But I will watch you learn how to handle your own. Nervously, like the first day you walked into kindergarten. I cried, you didn’t. Just a happy “bye mom” as you jumped outta the car.
Remember though, you are the only person who has the power to write your story, the only one walking your path. People will come and go. Some stay. But most do not. Guard you heart first and foremost, the world is full of bad people and I know you have a heart as big as the ocean. They will all have a reason though, some to learn from and some to teach to. But take the lesson either way.
Be strong, be a warrior, be a goddess. Always make sure you spend your days doing the absolute best you can by others and by yourself. And when you lay down to sleep at night you will be at peace. The world is a cruel, mean place but there is much beauty in it. Be a light for others. People can’t love your beautiful spirit if they can’t see you.
Shine Bright today baby girl and know mama loves you more than you can ever imagine. I am proud of you.
I have been pondering all morning what to say regarding you, my beautiful daughter turning 18. I never thought time would go so fast. I love you beyond compare and I have been blessed to be your mother. I do have a few things to say to you on the day you become an official adult. I know I have said these things to you many times over the years but I just wanted to compile it all into 1 list.
This will be long, daughter, but please read it all. No really, read it all.
1. Love yourself first.
2. High school is not real life. Be prepared.
3. Some girls/women are just mean. Chin up baby girl — keep walking.
4. If you find a REAL friend, keep hold no matter how far apart you are.
5. Stuff WILL NOT make you happy.
6. Don’t judge anyone, but expect to be judged. Again I say, chin up.
7. Get to know your grandma on an adult level.
8. Not every problem is the end of the world.
9. Pick your battles, its not all worth fighting about.
10. Don’t compare yourself to others, there will never be another like you.
11. No matter how much you love someone, don’t lose yourself.
12. Speak up — find your voice and use it!
13. Learn the word “NO,” and don’t be afraid to use it without guilt.
14. You get to write your own story, fill the pages with happiness.
15. Don’t ever chase a man, the right one will find you.
16. Learn how to accept compliments graciously and try to believe them.
17. ALWAYS BE HONEST! The truth only hurts if it’s supposed to.
18. Learn how to be happy in your own skin and be content alone.
19. Never be afraid to share anything you feel passionately about.
20. Its OK to disagree but refer to #9.
21. Read everything you can get your hands on. Knowledge is power.
22. If you go home with a guy and see no books, get out of there.
23. YOU ARE NO ONE’S PROPERTY!
24. Always stand up for yourself. ALWAYS.
25. Don’t be afraid to fail. That’s how you learn.
26. Never electronically send ANYTHING you wouldnt want printed on the front page on the newspaper. Even if you delete it, it can still be found.
27. Serve others unconditionally, good deeds bring happiness.
28. Be gracious, gratitude reveals character.
29. Always trust your gut instinct. ALWAYS.
30. Be nice!
31. Your actions will define you, not your words.
32. Don’t swallow your feelings, find a way to let them out safely.
33. Seek beauty in all things.
34. WEAR SUNSCREEN! Your 50 year old face will thank you.
35. Stay in contact with the people who love you.
36. Always walk with your head up. Confidence is attractive.
37. Cry when you need to and find strength in your tears.
38. Laughter is good for the soul.
39. So is LOUD music. So turn it up and dance!
40. Words can build bridges or burn them, choose wisely.
41. Home is who you love, not where you live.
42. Being the first to apologize does not make you weak.
43. Work, and work hard. Always make sure you can provide for yourself.
44. I know you hate me somedays, but I will always love you.
45. YOU ARE ENOUGH!
46. You can tell me anything, any time. I will always be here for you.
47. Remember again, I will always love you.
48. You are more than capable.
49. You are beautiful, never let anyone make you feel differently
50. Take life one day at a time. Live in the moment. You have no control over yesterday or tomorrow. All you have is RIGHT NOW, so just be happy
Edit note** my daughter will be 21 in April 2017 buy I wanted to include this here.
Raising kids is hard. No rule books. No istructions. Maybe one day she will understand I did the best I could with what I had.
I got a lot to say. I am gonna say it. Fuck sensoring myself for those other social media outlets.
I am a mother, a wife, a friend and a sister. I have lived what seems like 1000 lifetimes. I made some good decisions and I have made some remarkably stupid ones but I lived thru it and I gained much wisdom. Let’s talk about it.♡